Trump State of the Union: Transcription
(As usual, no ASL interpreter)
My fellow Americans, I'm still here (applause), first of all I want to thank Senator Ross of Kansas for the vote heard around the world that keep me in the Oval Office. Hold a second, I got to tweet to Putin telling him to stop hacking the teleprompters on the podium. We accomplishes a lot during the first term, eliminating the mandate to require health insurance, keeping our emergency rooms busier than ever. We got rid of Obamacare, simply by renaming it Trumpcare. allowing rotten kids to stay home bugging their parents until they are 26, and letting those with preexistence conditions to continue their dependence on opiates, causing skyrocketing premiums. Supreme Court declare it's unconstitutional to prevent pregnant woman from obtaining a visa, so I am going to modified my Pro-Life position allowing them to abort the fetus, after all, they are not citizens and we don't want their litters either. Hold a second, tweeting Kim Jong-Un, reminding him to watch C-Span. I appointed Dennis Rodman to to our Ambassador to North Korea, I will be in Pyongyang next week cut the ribbon of the our new Embassy and of course, we'll have a threesome golfing at our new sprawling Trump Tower Resort and Spa golf course. I will let Kim win, so he'll not have a temper-tantrum, shooting another missile into the Sea of Japan.More women are entering the workforce, I noticed an increase of prostitution on our streets. The rigged the Super Bowl and the Packers will beat the Chiefs. I signed an executive order to disqualified the 49ers because San Francisco is a sanctuary city. It's capital punishment if anyone in the NFL disrespect our flags. Pence is off the ticket, Jimmy Kimmel is my new running-mate. I'll have a new cabinet soon, I think it will be redwood. I want to take an opportunity at this time to announce that copies of my new book "John Bolton isn't in the Room" will be out on March 17th, that's the only time I read the New York Times, when it climb into first place on the best-selling list. I will like to thank Pink Floyd for the wall, I haven't seen it but I heard about it. The only solution to erase our national debts is to let Russia buyback Alaska. If Denmark wants to borrow money from the World Bank, Greenland must be put down as collateral so we can acquire the land once they default. We are leaving the Middle East so we can focus our resources fighting the drug cartels, letting the terrorists kill their kind. Let's retreat, returning Texas back to Mexico, the war is over, didn't we return Okinawa to Japan. Let Puerto Rico be an independent nation, like we did with Cuba and the Philippines, so we don't have to deal with their problems. I confesses to stealing the Star Trek logo for our new Space Force, we even now, with the USS Enterprise in port. If the Israelis and the Palestinians can't coexist, then return the Gaza Strip to Egypt, West Bank to Jordan, and Golan Heights to Syria and the United States will recognize Palestine if the all parties agreed to the boundaries. I promise to behave myself from here on, as my generals warns me of a military coup if I overstep the line in the sand. I ordered the shutdown of all Chinese restaurants to prevent the spread of bat virus, and will shut down Iran nuclear facilities to prevent the spread of radiation emissions, etc. I will protect the rights of Americans to bear arms and I am willing to curtail the freedom of the press, shut down social media from spreading false rumors, it doesn't applied to tabloids on the grocers' checkout lanes. That's all folks, and God Bless America. Mike Pompeo, you're fired!
This is the Fox network, we now return to our regular programming, returning to hell with Gordon Ramsey in the swamps, saving a former White House Chef restaurant from the brinks of bankruptcy.